


Little Lion Man

by to_love_a_lightwood



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Drinking, Guilt, Mentions of Depression/Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Content, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-03-21 08:44:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13737273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/to_love_a_lightwood/pseuds/to_love_a_lightwood
Summary: Alec is trying his best to lead a normal life. Well, as normal as possible considering he's still having nightmares about his time in Afghanistan, he still blames himself for his friend's death, and he hasn't been taking his meds recently. He can feel himself slipping, but can his siblings and his obnoxiously attractive new neighbor save him before it's too late?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello readers! This is the second fic I've posted in two days, so I'm pretty proud right now. I'm kinda excited for this one, so let's see how chapter one does! Remember to heed the tags, as it can get dark in some places. Title is from the Mumford & Sons song. Happy reading!

     'Ding!'

     Alec's head jerked up at the sound of the doorbell. Who could that be? Izzy would have told him she was coming, and Alec didn't really think his parents would pay him a visit without an ulterior motive. He knew it could be Jace, but Alec could have sworn he was supposed to be on a date with Clary right now. He wistfully glanced at his laptop before sliding it off of his legs and onto the couch next to him, knowing he needed to finish the article he was working on sooner rather than later. He stood and walked to the door, stretching out his limbs as he went. Must've been sitting there for quite a while.

     The door had no peephole, which Alec hated. It's not that he needed one, but he'd rather know who was on the other side of the door before opening it. He liked to be prepared for things, especially since-

     Nope. He would not think about that.

     The fingers on his left hand twitched once at the mere reminder, so he clenched them into a tight fist while opening the door with his right hand.

      He was so totally unprepared for what was on the other side of the door. He was the most beautiful man Alec had ever seen, with dark hair that looked softer than silk. Alec wanted to touch it. His face was like that of a god of some kind, all smooth, caramel skin and sharp angles. He was dressed in a black tunic with a small gold design around the collar and maroon skinny jeans so tight it probably required a small miracle to put them on. And holy shit, his eyes. They looked golden. Of course, it could be the light gold eyeshadow making them look so vibrant, but the sight was breathtaking either way.

     Say something. Alec knew he had to say something. What could he say? The only thing he was thinking about was how beautiful the man was, and he most definitely did not want to voice the thoughts he was having during their first meeting.

     Alec noticed the other man staring at him as well, and he suddenly felt extremely self-conscious. It was the scar on his face. Yeah, that was almost definitely the focus of the man's intense gaze. He was staring at Alec almost in disbelief, probably wondering what had happened to him.  Alec felt his hand reaching up to rub at the thin white lines on his face without ever making the conscious decision to move. He hated when people stared.

     The other man seemed to snap out of a daze, blinking and sticking his hand out with a smirk. "Hi, I'm Magnus," he introduced. The name suited him. "Magnus Bane. We're neighbors."

     Alec stared at him stupidly, mesmerized by his smooth voice. Was this man perfect in every way, or was it just his imagination? Alec inhaled slowly, trying to clear his head. He shook the man's outstretched hand, completely forgetting how long a handshake was supposed to last. Up and down three times? Twelve? Magnus Bane had a warm, smooth hand, and Alec forgot everything except where their skin connected. This was... Holy shit, okay, too many times. Alec pulled his hand away too quickly, blushing furiously as he realized he had no idea how long he'd been standing there holding Magnus's hand. "Uh, Alec Lightwood," he managed to say. "I... Yeah."

     Magnus raise an eyebrow at him and grinned. "Nice to meet you Alec. Is that short for something?"

     This time it didn't take nearly as long for Alec to find his words. "Alexander. Only my parents really call me that, and that's if they're really upset." His general had called him that too, but Alec didn't like to think about that.

     Magnus was still smiling. "Alexander suits you." He stopped talking, leaving Alec wondering what to say. Talk about the weather? Ask him a question? "Do you mind if I come in?" Magnus's voice broke through his daze. "This isn't that heavy, but I would like to eventually set it down."

     What? Set what-oh. How did he not notice the bottle of wine in Magnus's hand?

     "What's that for?"

     Magnus shrugged. "Consider it a housewarming gift." At Alec's protesting noise, he added, "You have to accept it. I refuse to take it back."

     "Oh, uh, yeah, okay," Alec stumbled over his words as he stepped aside to let Magnus into his apartment. "Yeah, sorry."

     "It's quite all right, Alexander. I was only teasing." Magnus flowed into the apartment, looking more at home than Alec felt. He was studying the apartment like it held all of Alec's secrets. Well, it sort of did, considering opening the wrong cupboard could display all of Alec's antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication, but again, Alec didn't like to think about that. Especially since he hadn't taken either of them recently. 

     Alec followed Magnus's gaze, trying to see his own apartment from an outsider's perspective. His couch was slightly beaten up, as was nearly everything else in his apartment. His laptop sat on the couch near his phone and a few papers, evidence of the article he'd been writing before Magnus showed up. A small stand next to the couch contained a lamp and his cup of black coffee that had probably gone cold by now. On the far wall was a small balcony that overlooked the west side of Manhattan. Across from the couch was a TV on a small stand that had a collection of DVDs stored inside. The walls were bare except for a framed photo of Alec, Izzy, Max and Jace in the hall and a large picture of New York City above the TV that Izzy had made him put there to make the apartment more "homey."

     The kitchen was to the right, with the same linoleum floors as the rest of the house. The cupboards were white and the appliances slightly outdated, but it was just fine for a single man. To the left there were three doors; the one on the far right led to Alec's room, the middle one led to the bathroom, and the one on the left hid a small guest bedroom.

     It wasn't much, but it was going to be his home. Magnus set the wine down on the counter as he took in the apartment. "When did you move in?"

     "Last Saturday," Alec answered, thinking back to six days ago. What a mess that had been. Moving was stressful enough, but with Alec's "condition" his family made it much more painful than it needed to be.

     He walked over to the picture of Alec and his siblings with a small smile. "Is this your family? You all look alike. Except the blonde, of course."

     Alec felt his chest tighten as he nodded. "Yeah, that's my sister Izzy and my brothers Jace and Max. Jace was adopted."

     Magnus nodded. "That makes sense. They look lovely. Maybe I'll meet them sometime?"

     Alec made a small noise in his throat before he could stop himself, which Magnus picked up on. He cleared his throat before hoarsely explaining, "Uh... Maybe Jace and Izzy, but Max...  Died."

     Magnus looked shocked before transitioning to sympathy. "I'm so sorry."

     You're fine. Just breathe. Alec fought back tears and managed to keep his voice steady as he said, "Thanks." He took a deep breath. Change the subject. "So, uh, did you want anything to drink?"

     Magnus shook his head. "Oh, I don't want to be a bother."

     Alec got out two wine glasses anyways. "I'd appreciate the company."

     Magnus didn't argue as Alec poured him a glass. "You are twenty one, right? I don't want to be supplying alcohol to a minor."

     Alec nodded. "I'm twenty three. What about you?"

     "Twenty five," Magnus answered. He took a sip of his wine and gracefully walked to Alec's couch. "Thank you."

     Alec poured himself a little wine before joining Magnus. "Sorry, I left my work stuff out," he said, feeling heat creep into his cheeks as he scrambled to move the laptop and papers from the couch to the table.

     "What do you do?"

     Why was Alec blushing? "I-I'm a writer. I have a column in the newspaper."

     "That's fascinating," Magnus said without a hint of sarcasm. "What do you write about?"

     Alec shrugged. "I write about what's going on in the community. Sometimes my boss tells me what to write about, sometimes I pick."

     "How did you decide to be a writer?"

     Alec felt himself get a little uncomfortable. "I... I used to like to write a lot, but my dad didn't want me to do anything with reading or writing. He wanted me to have a quote, "man's job," but when that didn't work out I went against his wishes and got a job with the paper." He left out what the "man's job" had been, why it went wrong, and why he had gotten the job with the paper. He didn't want to burden Magnus with all of his problems.

     Desperate to divert attention away from himself, Alec asked, "So what about you? What do you do?"

     Magnus turned his hand up as if gesturing to something Alec couldn't see. "I own a club downtown. It's exciting and it pays well enough, so it works for me."

     Alec nodded. "I get that. It sounds pretty exciting."

     Magnus smirked to himself, as if he were remembering something funny. "You get to meet lots of exciting people. For example, one time I was working late..."

     Alec was paying attention, of course, but he was also distracted. He was watching the way Magnus's eyes caught the light and how his lips formed his words. Occasionally his hand would flutter and his mouth would turn up at the edges when he got to a funny part of the story. He and Alec were laughing ridiculously hard by the end of the story. "He seriously told you that?"

     Magnus grinned. "I was so taken aback that I couldn't say anything. It was ridiculous. Or this other time..." He dove into another story, this one about a girl who got drunk and thought he was her boyfriend and tried to kidnap him. "She was pulling me to her car and telling me she wanted me to take her home, and when I refused she tried to break up with me. I couldn't tell her we weren't dating because she would just scream about how I was her boyfriend until I said, "You don't understand. I have a boyfriend, not a girlfriend!" She was shocked."

     Magnus chuckled at the memory, but Alec was frozen. "Wait, you... You're..."

     Magnus glance at him, a hint of nervousness creeping into his expression as he let out an uneasy laugh. "I'm bisexual."

     Alec's heart was beating pretty fast, though he didn't want it to. He couldn't deny that Magnus was attractive, but now that Alec knew he liked boys... The thoughts he'd been unconsciously keeping at bay all night began to swirl around in his head.

      Alec realized Magnus looked uncomfortable, probably because he had just told Alec he was bi and Alec had just stared at him. He needed to say something. "Uh, yeah."

     How eloquent, Alec. Way to speak your mind.

     He tried again. "I mean, I'm...  I'm like that too. Well, not exactly, but I mean..." Alec sighed, rubbing at his eyes before risking a glance at Magnus. "I'm not judging you. I don't like girls."

     Magnus grinned. "I had my suspicions when I first met you."

     Alec was stunned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

     Magnus quickly amended, "Oh, nothing bad. I'm just good at reading people, and I thought maybe you were so shy and stutter-y because you were gay."

     Alec had to stop himself from flinching at the word. He wasn't really ashamed of who he was, but he sure as hell couldn't say it with the type of confidence Magnus had just had. As soon as his parents found out they had made him keep it quiet. No one outside of his family knew, except, of course, Ryan-

     Alec went rigid. He snapped himself out of his thoughts, trying hard to concentrate on the conversation. What had Magnus just said to him? He couldn't remember for the life of him.

     "Are you alright, darling?" A concerned voice asked, yanking Alec out of his thoughts so fast it nearly gave him whiplash. "I'm sorry if I offended you."

     Alec blinked at Magnus before realizing what he was talking about. "Oh. Oh, uh, yeah. I mean, no, no, you didn't... I'm okay." Magnus still looked at him cautiously. As if to convince him, Alec added, "I just get lost in my own head sometimes."

     Magnus smiled at him lightly. Alec could still see the concern in his eyes, but he could tell Magnus was going to drop the subject. "It's okay, Alexander. We have had quite a bit of wine, after all."

     Alec glanced over at the bottle, suddenly realizing he was a bit tipsy. As if to explain why, the bottle of wine was almost three quarters finished. Jesus, Alec really needed to clear his mind. How many glasses had he had?

     "I'm sorry," he said to Magnus. "I didn't mean to. I guess I've had more to drink than I realized."

     Magnus shrugged him off. "We were lost in conversation, darling. I can't quite recall how much I drank, either." Magnus glanced at the clock on the wall, eyes widening a bit when he saw it was nearly half past ten. "Oh, goodness, look at the time. I hadn't intended to stay this long, sorry."

     Magnus got up and Alec offered his hand out to take his glass from him. "Thank you," Magnus grinned sheepishly. "I should be going. This was fun, though. It was a pleasure to meet you."

     Alec nodded at him, setting the wine glasses on the counter before showing Magnus to the door, hands in his pockets. "You too. I'll see you around?" He tried to keep the desperation out of his voice.

     Magnus only smile brightly at him. "Of course. Goodnight, Alexander."

     Alec grinned shyly. "Goodnight Magnus." Then, before he could make a fool of himself, he closed the door softly. He sighed and stood there for a moment, thinking about Magnus Bane. He hoped they would become friends. Alec hadn't had a friend other than his siblings in a while.

     As exhausted as he was, he still had work to do. He plopped down onto the couch, lacking the necessary motivation to finish his article but knowing it had to be done. It took him about an hour to finish before he brushed his teeth, changed into a t-shirt and sweats to sleep in, and passed out in bed, dreaming about golden eyes and wine glasses.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the feedback on last chapter! I don't have as much of this story written as I'd like to, but your kind words have inspired me to write faster. Here comes Izzy and more Malec!

"So," Izzy sang, grabbing another plate of Alec's sad excuse for macaroni and cheese from the pot on his stove, "how's my favorite older brother been?"

He raises his eyebrows. "Oh, really? I'm telling Jace."

Izzy dismissed him with a wave of the macaroni spoon in his direction. "Jace and I are the same age. It doesn't count. Besides, I asked him to come to Simon's gig this Friday at Java Jones and he wouldn't stop complaining about his band."

Alec didn't particularly like his baby sister's boyfriend, but he didn't exactly hate him either. The music, on the other hand, Alec could definitely do without. "You do realize the band's name is Champagne Enema, right?" 

"Its actually Rock Solid Panda now," Izzy corrected. "I'm trying to get him to change it, but for the time being, you're still coming this Friday." Before Alec can object, she silences him by holding up a finger. "And don't think I've forgotten about my earlier question. How are you?"

Alec wants to say something smart back, but he just fiddles with the glass of water in his hands. "I've been alright. My boss has been kind of demanding recently, but nothing too overwhelming."

"And?" Izzy asked. 

Alec stared at her blankly. "And what?"

Izzy sighed in exasperation as she plopped back onto the couch next to him. "Honestly, hermano. Sometimes I wonder how someone as smart as you can be so oblivious." Alec's thoughts were racing as he tried and failed to come up with something she had said that he might have missed, but he came up empty. He looked at her helplessly. She sighed. "You, Alec. Don't get me wrong, I love hearing about your job, and I am insanely proud of how well you've been doing at work recently. I just want to make sure you're okay."

Okay? Alec tensed a bit as he realized what she meant. He tried to play it off like he was nonchalant, shrugging as he got up to put his dirty dishes in the sink. "I'm fine, Iz. I told Mom already that I'm better."

"I know that's what you told Mom, Alec, but I want to know the truth." Her voice was pleading, on the verge of being too emotional for him to handle, so he starts washing the dishes in the sink just so he has something to do with his hands. He turns on the water, hotter than his hands can stand, and he grimaces but doesn't change the temperature. He needs the distraction to keep him grounded. 

"I'm telling you, I'm okay," he tries to convince her and, to some extent, tries to convince himself. "I'm getting enough sleep."

"Are you still having nightmares?" She asks. "Are you taking your meds?" 

"I don't need a babysitter, Izzy." He tries to snap at her, but he just sounds tired. "I still can't sleep sometimes," he says, avoiding the shameful connotation the word "nightmare" seems to have, "but I'm better than I was. Really." 

He's hoping she won't ask about his medication again, but Izzy is far too smart for that. "What about your meds?" He hasn't taken them since before he moved in because he hates being dependent on them. He also hates how weak they make him feel just because he needs them, but that's besides the point. He's never been able to lie to her and he sure as hell can't start now, so he just continues scrubbing the same plate under the scalding water. His silence is enough of an answer. "I know you don't need a babysitter, and I'm not trying to be a helicopter sister here. I just needed to know you were okay." She walks over to him, and Alec is taken completely by surprise when his hands are suddenly yanked backwards. "Jesus, Alec, you're burning yourself!"

It takes everything in him not to hit her accidentally, his soldier reflexes kicking into gear the moment she had touched him, but he makes a huge effort to reign it in. Alec watches his little sister quickly turn the water off before inspecting his extremely red hands. "Shit," he mutters, glancing at the steam rolling off every puddle of water in the sink. "Sorry."

Izzy's face is pinched, almost like she's fighting with her motherly instinct to ask him if he can bandage his hands. She doesn't move towards him in the end, and he feels guilty for being relieved. He knows she isn't ready to let him accidentally hurting himself go, so he returns to the equally unpleasant topic of his medication. "Listen, Iz. I know you're worried about me, but you have to believe me when I tell you I'm fine. I'm a grown man. I can take care of myself."

Her face softened and she opens her mouth to answer, but the doorbell cuts her off. Alec shrugs as though to tell her he doesn't know who it is and goes to open the door. 

"Alexander!" Magnus says as soon as the door is open. The sudden greeting takes Alec aback, as does the colorful outfit Magnus is wearing. He's wearing his signature tighter-than-realistically-possible jeans with a red t-shirt under a canary yellow button up that keep Alec's attention on his stunning golden eyes. He isn't wearing a lot of make-up this time, but Alec notices he's carrying a newspaper. Alec's heart stops for a second as he realizes he's carrying a copy of the most popular newspaper in the state, The Alicante Editor. Also known as the newspaper that publishes Alec's column every week. 

Alec knows Magnus has started talking to him, knows he should be paying attention, but he can't focus. He can't stop thinking about the fact that Magnus-put together, fancy, beautiful Magnus-might have read his column. What did he even write about this week? He can't remember for the life of him. 

Of course, there is the possibility that Magnus didn't even read his column. After all, The Alicante Editor was the most published paper in the state. It would make perfect sense for Magnus to have the paper and not have read it. It's not like it's on the front page or anything. Alec doesn't know if he wants Magnus to read what he wrote or not, which is made worse by the fact that he still cannot remember what he wrote less than two goddamn days ago and-

He flinches when Izzy suddenly appears next to him. She looks at him suspiciously, and for a fleeting moment he's worried she's going to interrogate him again, but instead she asks, "Who is this?"

Alec still can't seem to form a coherent sentence, so he's flooded with relief as Magnus answers for himself. "I'm Magnus Bane, Alexander's neighbor."

Once Isabelle determines Magnus to be a non-threatening presence, she holds out her hand. "Isabelle Lightwood, Alec's sister."

Magnus kisses the back of her hand and grins. "Of course. I should have known you two were related. You're just as gorgeous as your brother." Alec feels his face heat up at the blatant complement, but is saved from answering when Magnus drops her hand and continues. "As I was just telling your brother, I wanted him to know I read his column in the paper this morning and thought it was very well-written."

"Oh, I haven't read it yet!" Izzy exclaims. "Would you like to come in? I'd love to borrow your paper."

Alec feels his stomach fill with dread as he sees the glint in her eyes. He knows the paper is only half of it. Of course the moment Isabelle finds out Alec has a hot neighbor she's trying to set them up. 

"Oh, I'd love to get to know you better, but I'm afraid I have plans." Alec's definitely relieved when he says that. He's not disappointed. Not at all. Magnus hands the paper to Izzy. "You can still borrow this, if you'd like. Alexander can give it back to me when you're done."

Izzy hides her disappointment and takes the paper with a smile. "Thank you," she says. "It was nice meeting you, Magnus."

"You as well, dear," Magnus tells her as she heads back inside to give them some privacy. 

"So," Alec begins, frantically flipping through conversation starters in his mind. 

Magnus, as if sensing his internal turmoil, says, "I really do have to go, but it was nice seeing you, Alexander." He turns with a smile and starts walking down the hallway, and Alec is surprised at how upset he is. He wished he didn't have to say goodbye quite yet, but what could he do? It's not like Alec ever leaves his house besides seeing his siblings or going to Clary's art shows and-

Oh, no. Alec wanted to laugh at what he was about to do, but he shoved the thought aside. "Magnus, wait!" He called, making Magnus stop and whirl around with a questioning look. "Did you... I mean, I don't know what you... Uh, my sister's boyfriend has this gig tonight at a cafe downtown, and I was wondering if-if you don't have any plans, of course-would you want to go? With me?"

Magnus looks pleasantly surprised at his request, but must see that Alec doesn't want him to make a big deal out of it. Bless his soul. With a simple smile and a "That would be lovely, Alexander," Magnus disappears around the corner, leaving Alec to stutter his way through telling his sister he's going to bring a plus one tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it didn't take long for a first date, did it? Honestly I never have the patience to write slow burn, as every second Magnus and Alec are not together destroys my soul. Next chapter is the date and should be up in the next few days! If you enjoyed this, please leave kudos or a comment to make an author happy :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for keeping up with this story! Your comments and kudos literally make my entire day :) Here's Malec's first date, and a little angst of course! Happy reading!

Alec tugged on the collar of his shirt as he looked around the cafe. He didn't know why he was so nervous, especially since Magnus had agreed to come with him tonight and had asked for his number so Alec could text him the information and-

Shut up, Alec told himself, scanning faces in the slightly crowded establishment. Everything is going to be fine. Everything is going to be just-

His train of thought completely derails as he catches sight of Magnus sitting with Jace and Clary. Today he's sporting a shimmering turquoise v-neck that cuts almost all the way down to his belly button, exposing just enough of his abs to make Alec's mouth suddenly drier than the Sahara. A few golden necklaces hang down across his chest, getting caught on collarbones that Alec could probably cut himself with. Paired with a little matching turquoise eyeshadow and pants that make his ass look so spectactular...

God help him, Alec isn't going to make it through the night. 

"Sweet Jesus, your man looks hot!" Izzy teases from next to him.

Alec wants to deny it right away, but before he can get a single word out the aforementioned man is strutting straight towards him and he has to remind himself how to breathe. 

"Alexander!" Magnus says brightly. "So lovely to see you! You look positively dashing."

Alec looks down at his plain dark green shirt and worn leather jacket and wonders how in the hell Magnus could even think that when Magnus looks like some kind of god, but he thanks him anyways. "Thanks," he says a little hoarsely, before clearing his throat. "Uh, you... you look really good too."

Magnus smiles at the compliment, his gaze lingering before turning to Izzy. "And my dear Isabelle, looking fabulous as always."

Izzy laughs at him. "Thank you, Magnus. Of course I have to look good, gotta motivate Simon to play well somehow." Alec makes a face of disgust at her implication, but Magnus simply laughs.

"Of course. Now, who wants something to drink?"

"I'll have a chai tea," Izzy supplies. "Alec, why don't you help Magnus grab the drinks?"

Alec knows they don't have alcohol here, but it doesn't stop him for wishing for a drink. "Sure," he says anyways, feeling a little like he's condemning himself. He follows Magnus to the counter where Magnus orders an Earl Grey tea for himself and Alec gets Izzy's tea and a black coffee for him. He knows Jace and Clary already ordered, so he doesn't have to worry about getting anything for them. 

Speaking of whom... "Hey, how did you find Jace and Clary?"

Magnus looks up in surprise. "Oh, yeah. I've actually known Clary since we were kids. I haven't seen her in years, but when I went to say hi I noticed she was with Jace, who I recognized from the picture on your wall the other night." Alec's face warms as he thinks of the night he met Magnus, drinking wine and getting to know each other. "When I found out they were here for Simon's band, I decided to sit with them. Small world, isn't it?"

Alec nods, hoping his brother hadn't terrorized Magnus too much. "It is indeed."

The barista calls their names, and the two men move forward to grab their drinks and take them back to the table. Izzy had apparently planned to force Magnus and Alec to sit next to each other because she's occupying the space by Jace and Clary, leaving Alec and Magnus to sit on the open side of the table. Alec invites Magnus to sit first, telling himself he's being a gentleman and ignoring the fact that he did it partially because he doesn't feel comfortable trapped between another person and the wall. Even at home, he still carries Afghanistan with him.

Alec violently shoves that thought aside. He wasn't going to think about that. Not tonight.

Alec tunes out most of Simon's nervous introduction of "Rock Solid Panda" and pretty much ignores the music. They're not as bad as Alec pretends they are, it's just not the type of stuff he normally listens to. Instead of paying attention to the band Alec focuses on Magnus, who is bopping his head to the music and grinning. He's never met anyone like him before. He's so open and kind and happy that Alec almost feels like if he looks at him too long he'll tarnish him. Maybe he isn't as perfect as Alec seems to think, but he's just so... good. Magnus has probably never even held a gun, much less killed anyone with one. He doesn't know what it's like to be shot at or to watch his friends be blown to bits-

Alec flinches, hard enough to spill a bit of his coffee on his pants. Isabelle jumps up and asks if he's okay, but Alec can't concentrate on anything she's saying. He can't think of anything right now except that day in the desert, watching the grenade roll across the sand as if in slow motion, seeing Ryan's face contort as he screams for everyone to run...

Alec is stumbling to the bathroom without realizing it, ignoring calls of his name behind him. He can't think, he can hardly breathe and right now he's just operating on instinct as he clumsily falls to his knees in front of the toilet and empties his stomach of its contents. He throws up again before he realizes someone is standing a few feet behind him, hesitantly talking to him. 

"It's okay, Alec," Jace is saying. "You're home, in New York. You're safe here."

Alec wants to apologize, wants to be humiliated for being so weak right now, but he starts dry heaving instead. He can feel the fear from that horrible day and the guilt and the shame from being so embarrassingly helpless. He wonders what Magnus must be thinking. 

Alec wipes his mouth with a piece of toilet paper and flushes, grimacing at the taste in his mouth. "Sorry."

He can't look Jace in the eyes, but he hears him sigh. "You don't have to apologize, bro. All we care about is that you're okay."

Alec washes his face with cold water in the sink, trying to scrub his stupid panic attack away with his hands. Jace hands him a paper towel to dry his hands and face with. Alec clears his throat. "Thanks. Uh... Magnus..."

Luckily for Alec, Jace knows what he's asking. "He's confused, and pretty worried about you. We didn't tell him anything." Jace hesitates before adding, "Maybe you should think about talking to him."

Alec is shaking his head before he even thinks about it. "Nope. No way. There is no way I'm getting him involved in this."

"Alec, he's a good guy. He's not going to judge you. None of us do."

He will. Alec knows he will. Even if his family doesn't blame him, Alec will always blame himself. He deserves to be judged. 

"I... I'm gonna head out. Can you apologize for me?"

Jace looks disappointed. "I'll tell them you're sorry you had to leave so soon, but I still think you should talk to Magnus. Trust me on this one, dude."

Alec trusts Jace with his life, but he isn't so sure about this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week is going to be pretty crazy for me, so sorry if I can't update as often. Please leave a comment if you enjoyed this! See ya soon!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry it's been so long, but my mom was in the hospital and I had a ton of homework to do. I finally finished my work and my mom's all better so here we are! Get ready for some Malec and a brief appearance from Raphael! Happy reading!

Alec glances hopelessly at his laptop. He's been sitting here, working on this article for three hours now, yet he's barely written a thing. He tells himself it's the subject he's supposed to write about that's giving him writer's block. I mean, before his boss asked him to write this article he'd never heard of a teeter-totter-athon in his life. He's done his research on the cause and what they do there (which apparently is just sit on a teeter-totter all night long to raise money) but he still can't figure out a way to make it work. He knows nothing about this event, but he's written about things he knew nothing about before, so why can't he come up with a damn thing to write?

Honestly, he knows he's distracted. It's been two days since his meltdown at Java Jones and he's been avoiding everyone. Jace and Izzy have called him about ten times each, but he just sent them a quick text saying he was alright and ignored the rest of their messages. 

Magnus, on the other hand, Alec still hasn't talked to. He's wanted to go over and apologize for his behavior, but he can't do that without giving an explanation he can't bear to give. He cannot let Magnus know how much of a wreck he truly is by apologizing in person, and he sure as hell isn't going to apologize over text. Not when he means this much to Alec already. 

Alec knows he likes Magnus. For God's sake, he asked him out within a week of meeting him, but that doesn't mean he's ready to be so open with him. He tries to deal with his own problems, no matter how much his siblings try to change that. Even so, he's starting to think Jace was right in asking him to tell Magnus. Magnus really does mean a lot to him, and Alec didn't want to lose him over this. It's just an apology, right? How hard could it be?

Alec shuts his laptop in defeat, already knowing what he needs to do. He stands and heads straight to Magnus's door, knocking before he can talk himself out of it-

-Shit, he knocked way too loud. It probably sounds like someone is trying to break in. Alec winces at his idiocy as he waits for Magnus to open the door. 

This is the first time Alec has seen Magnus where he's not dressed up. He's wearing bright purple joggers and a gray hoodie, and looks a bit surprised to see Alec there. 

"Alexander," he greets. 

When he doesn't say anything else, Alec clears his throat. "Magnus, I owe you an apology. Do you think we can talk?"

Magnus looks remorseful, glancing behind him. "Uh, now really isn't a good time," he says quietly. "My friend Raphael is going through a rough patch, so I invited him over for a slumber party to cheer him up."

As if on cue, someone inside shouts, "What's up, Bane? ¿Quien está?"

Magnus looks sheepish before calling back, "Its my neighbor!"

Raphael sounds agitated. "The hot one? Worry about getting laid later!" 

Both Alec and Magnus blush at that, mildly horrified. "I...I should get going," Magnus stutters. "He's getting grumpy. I'll talk to you later?"

Alec nods, too distracted by what Raphael said to care. "Again, I'm really sorry."

Through his embarrassment, Magnus manages a smile. "Of course, dear."

Alec goes back to his apartment, thoughts racing at a mile a minute. Raphael had to be talking about him, right? Why else would Magnus have blushed like that? Alec doesn't want to get his hopes up, but he can't help but smile to himself. Magnus Bane might like him back. Alec knew he was in deep, but this fluttery feeling in his chest was scary. He hoped he wouldn't get his heart broken. 

As excited as Alec is, he knows he still has a long way to go. He has to tell Magnus about Afghanistan and the scars on his face and about Ryan, but for right now he doesn't care. For right now, he just has to apologize. 

Apologize, and write an article about teeter-totters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The teeter-totter-athon is inspired by some crackheaded thing my community came up with (no offense to any teeter-totter lovers). Sorry this one was so short again, but next one's longer. I've been loving everyone's comments on this story and I really appreciate all the feedback! Also, we reached 1000 hits today, so thank you so for sticking with this!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Some Izzy and Jace in this chapter, plus quite a bit of angst. HUGE thanks to Alex for convincing me to actually post all of these fics. Just realized I hadn't thanked you properly yet for all your support, and it means the world. Happy reading, everyone!

Alec jolts awake, a scream dying in his throat. He digs his nails into his forearm, trying to ground himself. He's safe. He's in his apartment. No one can hurt him here. He counts his breaths as he tries to get his heart beating normally again. 

His throat hurts, so he knows he was screaming in his sleep again. He clenches his jaw, counting this as the third night in a row. He hasn't actually made noise during one of his nightmares in months. Why would it start up again? 

He gets out of bed to grab a glass of water. His new nightmares have probably been triggered by his panic attack earlier this week. He wishes they would stop, but he doesn't have much hope. 

As he sips his water in the dark, he glances as the cupboard that holds his meds. He wonders if he should try taking them again. They'd probably help him sleep better. After all, this is the third night in a row he hasn't gotten much sleep. Still, he doesn't consider it for too long. If he needs sleep that badly, he'll just get drunk. 

A glance at the clock tells him it's only three in the morning. He sighs, knowing he isn't going to go back to bed. Instead, he comes up with something to write about in his column next week and does a few quick exercises to get him going. He takes a shower around six and does a little cleaning (because he's a single man who doesn't put much effort into cleaning his apartment on a regular basis), and then calls Izzy and Jace to see if they want to do something. Both of them are excited to hear from him after almost a week of radio silence, so they agree to meet at an Indian restaurant uptown. Alec dresses himself in a blue button-up and jeans, grabbing his keys and wallet as he leaves. 

He tries not to look at Magnus's door. It's been three days since they've talked face to face, and Alec still hasn't apologized. He and Magnus keep texting each other about it, but their schedules have both been crazy and they haven't gotten around to it yet. Alec knows it's not completely his fault they haven't talked, but he still feels guilty. 

Lunch with his siblings is a nice distraction. They talk about Izzy's classes and how she got to take a field trip to a morgue to witness an autopsy, and Alec and Jace listen politely and pretend they're not at least a little disgusted at the graphic details their sister is giving them. Jace is in his final year of training to be a firefighter, and talks about the crazy drills they have to run. Alec is happy to listen to his siblings talk about their lives, but soon enough the focus is on him. 

"So," Jace asked, using his straw to poke at the ice in his cup, "have you talked to Magnus?"

They're both staring expectantly at Alec, making him avert his eyes. "I tried. We've both been too busy to talk." At his siblings' skeptical looks, he defends himself. "Really. I went to apologize and he was in the middle of something, and we just haven't been able to meet up since."

They still look doubtful, but they drop it for now. "Do you know what you're going to say yet?" Izzy asks. 

Alec shrugs, fiddling with his napkin. "Hey Magnus, sorry I flipped out the other night but I was panicking because I killed my friend a year ago?"

He meant it as a joke to try to lighten the mood, but the silence that fell on the table means his siblings found the joke about as funny as he did. "Alec," Izzy said softly, "you know that wasn't your fault." 

Alec made a noncommittal noise in response. "What would you suggest?"

"How about this one," Jace begins seriously, "I'm sorry I had to leave so suddenly the other night, I had a panic attack because I served for four years in Afghanistan and have PTSD from watching one of my friends-"

"Stop," Alec says, a little too harshly. He softens his voice as he continues. "I'm not saying any of that."

Izzy and Jace look at him sympathetically. They both know he hates talking about Ryan, but even more than that he hates talking about his disorder. "You can't hide it from him forever," Izzy tells him. "I'm not saying you have to tell him today, but if you really like him then you should be honest with him."

Alec is quiet. He knows they're right, but he doesn't know if he can let Magnus see him the way he sees himself. If Magnus decided Alec wasn't worth the trouble, Alec wouldn't blame him; but he wasn't sure he could live with Magnus wanting nothing to do with him. "I will," Alec says. "I'll tell him. Soon."

The waitress comes to give them the bill, and the three Lightwoods split the total before leaving to walk around town. It's still autumn, but judging by the bareness of the trees Alec guesses it's closer to winter now. The chill in the air starts to seep through his jacket, and he shivers as he pulls the leather tighter around him. 

Jace's phone starts ringing, making him hold up a finger to his siblings. "Hello? Yeah, I'm out with Alec and Izzy. What?" He sighed. "Okay, I'll be right there. Love you. Bye." Jace looks at them apologetically. "That was Clary. Apparently there's some kind of family birthday party tonight and she wants me to go with her."

"We get it," Alec says. "I should probably get going, too. I've got some work to do."

"Hold on a minute," Izzy says, and the suddenly pained look on her face makes Alec nervous. "What are you guys doing Friday?"

Alec is confused for a moment. What's so special about this Friday that Izzy is visibly upset? She only gets emotional about a few things, so what-?

"Max," Jace murmurs, before Alec can get a word out.

Alec's heart twists so suddenly it's physically painful. Judging by his siblings' grimaces, he knows they're as torn up as he is. He can't believe he actually forgot the anniversary of his brother's death was coming up. He's been so distracted with Magnus and everything else recently that the date had crept up without him noticing. 

Izzy seems to sense that neither of her brothers are going to say anything. "Well, how about we have it at my place this year?"

"I'll be there," Alec says hoarsely, and Jace nods in agreement with a faraway look in his eyes. 

Isabelle gives them a tight smile. "I'll order takeout."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, the pain. Feel free to yell at me in the comments :) Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry it's been a few days, life is crazy. This is a short chapter, but hopefully still a good one! Happy reading!

Alec doesn't even stop home first, doesn't even think before knocking on Magnus's door. He should definitely have taken a while to collect himself, more time to get his emotions under control, but he's just so upset right now he can't fathom going another minute without seeing Magnus. He needs comfort, reassurance, company. He needs Magnus. 

If there's a God (and with everything Alec's been through, he certainly has his doubts) then today he's on Alec's side, because soon enough the door opens and Magnus is there. Just from seeing Magnus's face, Alec can breathe a little easier. Breathing still isn't easy, and he doesn't think it ever will be when he thinks about Max, but it's easier. 

Magnus hasn't said anything, and Alec is pretty sure that has something to do with the expression on his face. As hard as Alec tries to hide how he's feeling, he's positive he looks as lost and upset as he feels right now. He wants to explain everything. He wants to tell Magnus about this Friday and he still needs to apologize for leaving him in the dark about everything, but none of that comes out. Instead, Alec clears his throat and manages to ask, "Can I come in?"

Magnus's concern is written all over his face as he steps aside, letting Alec into his apartment. As Alec takes in the surprisingly toned down decor, it registers that this is the first time he's been in his home. The layout is the same, but Magnus has added a modern touch with brightly colored but smartly placed throw pillows and pieces of art. 

"Have a seat. Can I get you a drink?" Magnus asks him gently. 

Alec nods, taking a seat on the far end of the sofa. "Anything alcoholic. Please."

He watches Magnus start mixing two drinks, hypnotized by his fluid movements. Where Magnus is graceful and smooth, Alec is awkward and clumsy. They're polar opposites in nearly every aspect, he thinks to himself. That must be why Alec is drawn to him like a damn magnet. 

As Magnus turns and hands Alec one of the two bright blue concoctions, Alec finds his voice. "I'm sorry."

Apologizing is a reflex at this point, a knee-jerk response Alec has begun to give without thinking, so it takes him by surprise when Magnus says, "There's no need to apologize, Alexander."

"There is," Alec insists. "I have some explaining to do. I've been trying to apologize all week for leaving Simon's gig early, but I haven't had the chance before now, and even now I'm here because I just really needed someone to talk to and I can't-"

"Slow down, darling," Magnus interrupts softly. "You're talking too fast for me to understand. If you're not ready to talk about whatever's been bothering you, then I won't make you."

Alec ran a hand through his hair. "I want to tell you. There's just... a lot going on right now. I was just with Jace and Izzy and I totally forgot this Friday is the anniversary of Max's death until they brought it up."

"Max is your younger brother, correct?" Magnus asks. 

Alec's heart swells when Magnus says that. He didn't use the past tense when he talked about Max, and Alec can't express how much that means to him. "Yeah, he is. It's always been hard for me, for all of us, and I just felt so guilty that I forgot about it. I... I just needed to talk to you."

He's aware of how vulnerable he sounds, but for once he doesn't really care. Some instinct he has about Magnus tells him he won't judge him for it. As if reading his mind, Magnus says, "I'm always here for you, darling. I won't judge you, no matter how terrible it may seem to you."

Alec nodded as he tried to gather his thoughts. "So, I served for four years in Afghanistan, but I don't think I want to talk about that right now." He glances at Magnus's face, almost expecting to see disappointment or objection, but he sees only kindness and understanding. Of course Magnus is making this as easy as possible for him. It's one of the many things Alec loves-

No. Not love. He's not ready for that yet, no matter how inevitable it seems to him right now. 

Alec continues, both mildly upset and incredibly thankful that Magnus isn't pushing him. "Max was diagnosed with brain cancer when he was seven. He had been totally fine up until then, so it was really shocking for everyone." Alec clears his throat as the memories and emotions come rushing back to him, because he can feel himself getting choked up already and the last thing he wants is to cry in front of Magnus. "Anyways. They tried to do chemo and even surgery, but nothing could completely cure him. A month or so before I left for Afghanistan, he just... died. The funeral was a week before my birthday and about two weeks before I left the country."

Magnus's face is grave and sad. "I'm sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what losing a brother is like." He's quiet for a moment, like he's deciding whether or not to say something, when he finally adds, "I lost my mother when I was nine."

Alec looks up at him in shock. "God, that's terrible," he says. "I'm sorry."

Magnus waves him off. "It's alright. It was years ago. I was looking all over for her, and when I found her it was too late. She'd taken her own life." He clears his throat. "My stepfather was so devastated by her death that he couldn't hear to keep me around because I looked so much like her. He gave me up. I grew up in the system."

Alec wants to say something to comfort him, itches to try to make it better, but he knows better than that. No matter what, you can't bring someone back. Alec has never been good with words anyways. Instead, he leans forward and envelops Magnus in a hug. He feels Magnus wrap his arms around his ribs and rest his head on his shoulder, and Alec decides that he wouldn't mind if time stopped right then. He knows they're both sad and they've got a long way to go, but holding Magnus feels so right it's hard to care about much else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about Max, guys, but at least Alec is finally talking to Magnus. I'm also getting ready for a trip to New York city, so my update schedule is going to get pretty hectic. Please let me know what you think! Leave a comment or come talk to me on Tumblr @ace-alec-89!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more of a filler chapter, so sorry if it's not that good. It's very short, I know, but next chapter is way longer so I hope that makes up for it! Happy reading!

When Alec wakes up to the smell of coffee, it takes him a few moments to remember everything. Without opening his eyes, he tries to recall yesterday. After lunch, he ended up at Magnus's apartment, seeking comfort for... oh, yeah. Alec forgot about Max's anniversary. As tempting as it is to allow the pain and guilt from that thought to consume him all over again, he pushes that aside. He can deal with that later. What he needs to deal with now is the fact that he and Magnus fell asleep on the couch after hugging and talking about their dark pasts and now Magnus is making coffee and Alec is still on said couch and has no idea what to do. 

He should play it cool. Right? That's what Jace would do, anyways. He would just get up, make a quick joke about last night, and leave as soon as possible. 

Alec settles with that plan and begins to stir, acting like he's just waking up. He opens his eyes to find his still-full glass of alcohol from last night on the coffee table across from the couch and coffee brewing in the empty kitchen. Magnus isn't around right now, but Alec can still feel him in the apartment. It's like a sixth sense he has in the back of his brain, a steady presence that's telling him he's not alone here. He had it when he was in the military, too, but this time it feels different. It's not a scary thing. It used to be an instinct, knowledge that he had to be aware of who was around him or he would get shot in the back of his head. Now, it's... nicer. Having Magnus around is comforting. 

Speaking of whom, Magnus pops into the room from the bedroom Alec assumed was his, right as Alec stands up and starts to stretch out his limbs. His shirt rides up a bit and he wonders if Magnus is looking, but it's not Alec's fault if his body isn't used to sleeping on a couch. 

"Hey," he begins with his usual eloquence.

Magnus gives him a tender smile. "Good morning, Alexander. Care for a cup of coffee?"

Alec tells himself he needs to play it cool, do what Jace would do, but the coffee smells so good and he really enjoys spending time with Magnus...

Alec decides Jace is an idiot. 

"I'd love one. Thanks."

He's immediately grateful for staying because Magnus's face brightens, almost imperceptibly. Without Alec's nearly obsessive attention to detail, he's sure he would have missed it. As Magnus smoothly grabs him a mug and starts pouring, Alec comes to the realization that he feels awkward. Not like his usual awkwardness, where he never knows what to do with his hands or how to say things, but he feels... off. Something is missing. He goes through a mental checklist in his mind. He knows he locked the door to his apartment, he has his keys and wallet, his phone is charged...

It hits him. He never actually apologized to Magnus. 

His stomach drops. He'd come here to apologize, but he realized he never really did it. They had a drink, he talked about Max, he told him about Afghanistan... but he'd never explained anything. What's more, he doesn't think he even mentioned the night he ran out on everyone, which is the entire reason he needs to apologize in the first place. 

Wow, he's bad at this. 

"You like your coffee black, right?" Alec is yanked out of his thoughts so fast it takes him a few seconds to adjust. "I remember you got a black coffee at Java Jones."

As Magnus hands him the warm mug, Alec gives him a shy smile and takes a sip. It's hot, but he makes a small, pleased sound at the taste as he finally finds his voice. "Yeah. Thank you. Uh, speaking of that..." 

"You don't have to explain yourself to me, Alec."

Alec shakes his head. "No, Magnus, I do. I asked you out and then I completely ditched you with no excuse, and it's taken me days to even attempt to apologize. That's not fair to you." Alec is desperate to get everything out. He needs to put everything on the table before he can overthink it. "I'm not good at apologies, but I'm sorry. I've wanted to tell you everything since the day I met you, but I just couldn't. It's hard for me to talk about-" Magnus looks like he's going to cut him off, to tell him again that it's okay if he doesn't want to talk about it, but Alec won't let him. He needs to do this. "-but if I don't talk about this now, I don't think I ever will."

Alec inhales, winded slightly from his spiel. He stays quiet, waiting for an affirmation. Waiting for Magnus to choose whether or not he wants to hear about Alec's past. 

Alec's waiting to see if Magnus is going to choose him. 

Magnus is staring into his eyes, less than two feet from where Alec is nervously standing by the couch. He's close enough that Alec can see the flecks of gold in his eyes, can watch the concern and curiosity flicker in his face. 

He nods. 

That's all Alec needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had the next chapter finished, but it got deleted so I have to do it over again. On top of that, I'm leaving for New York so it's probably going to be another week or so before I update. Just stick with me, next chapter is when they finally talk it all out! Come chat with me on Tumblr at ace-alec-89 until I can post again!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright y'all, I finished the chapter sooner than expected and I'm impatient so I'm posting this one today too! It's the long-awaited backstory chapter, complete with plenty of angst. There's some pretty graphic violence and a little anxiety in this chapter, so be careful if that triggers you. I hope you guys like it!

They're sitting on the couch now, Alec holding his mug with both hands, knowing that he's going to start shaking any minute now. It doesn't help that Magnus-beautiful, considerate, understanding Magnus-is sitting right next to him and gazing at him with so much emotion and encouragement in his eyes that Alec's starting to blush. He's letting Alec sort his thoughts out before he gets started, quietly waiting for him to start speaking. Alec knows he can do this. Magnus won't judge him. 

He clears his throat. "So... yeah. I don't think I have to explain to you how awful war is, so I'm going to skip some of the obvious things. I mean, some of the stuff you see over there you really can't unsee. It changes you..."

Some of Alec's less damaging memories flash behind his eyes. Walking through ransacked villages and entire towns burned to the ground, the people there reduced to a few piles of charred corpses. The buildings were all blackened lumps, and the smell of the decomposition was enough to make a few of the men in his unit retch. Everything was eerily quiet, the only sounds being the soft footsteps of the men and the ragged panting from the necessity to breathe through their mouths to avoid throwing up. As jarring as all of it was, the strangest part for him was when they picked through what was left, looking for anything left behind that could have been useful. Alec always felt a little sick when he'd enter a house and find a few undestroyed toys on the floor, or a slightly cracked photo frame displaying a family of five laughing and smiling. He didn't like seeing the heaps of the dead, but he absolutely hated thinking about the lives that used to exist here. 

As horrible as the remains of the towns were to walk through, Alec couldn't stand it when they left. They'd trudge through the desert on the way to their next position, their backpacks a little heavier from all of the supplies they'd stolen as they searched for a shelter for the night. They'd make their way through the more mountainous regions, legs and lungs burning as they marched for hours on end with no break. Alec still remembers the careful way he had to step to make sure the ground under his feet was solid and he wouldn't slip and twist his ankle on a loose rock. Sometimes, when his mind gets away from him, he finds himself using the same careful footing, his muscle memory taking over when he's thinking too much to function. 

Nighttime was his least favorite of all. They would stop for the night, most of the time in a cave or other hidden spot in the mountain. They'd pull out their dinner rations and eat them cold, washing the tasteless food down with warm water from their canteens. They didn't start a fire, or else the smoke could be seen from a distance and they'd all probably die, so as the last light of day faded the men all sat around, settling in for the night. Some of them would talk quietly amongst themselves, sharing stories about home with the ghost of a smile on their face. Others preferred to keep to themselves, smoking cigarettes or pulling out pictures of their families to keep them going for another day. Alec used to be one of the guys who turned in to sleep early (although he never slept more than an hour or so at a time anyways), refusing to pull out the photo of his siblings he knew he had carefully placed in the bottom of his backpack because he didn't want anyone to know he missed home as much as he did. Hell, if he even thought about them for too long he knew he'd start crying, and he absolutely refused to turn into a blubbering mess in front of his unit. Losing Max and leaving Jace and Izzy behind hurt like a bitch, but he was starting to grow accustomed to the permanent ache in his chest he felt in their absence. In fact, he used it to motivate himself. He would make it through this for them. They needed him. He wouldn't let them lose another brother. 

He almost preferred nights when it was his turn to patrol. Because while every single sound and flash of movement caught his attention and made his heart race, he felt... prepared. Laying in the ground at night faking sleep made him restless and anxious, but while he was sitting up and actively watching for any sort of threatening presence, he felt useful. In those wakeful, alert moments, while everyone else in his unit was resting, he had a purpose. 

He still remembers the night he first talked to Ryan. The day had passed by fairly normally-they'd lost two men in a sudden sniper attack, and a third was sent home in a medical helicopter with a bullet in his side-but Alec had certainly seen worse. After trekking for a few more hours and choking down another cold dinner, his name was called. "Lawndale, Lightwood! You're on watch tonight. The rest of you, rest up."

Alec had glanced over at Private Lawndale, who was already staring at him. Lawndale nodded at him and grabbed his gun, setting out down the path to find a place to keep watch through the night. Alec grabbed his gun and followed him. He'd never talked to Lawndale before, but then again he'd never talked to a lot of the men in his unit. He kept to himself, knowing that each time he talked to someone he was risking forming a relationship with them and risking getting hurt later if one of them died. 

He followed Private Lawndale's retreating form for less than a minute when he stopped near a gap in the rocks, barely big enough for two people to sit in. "What do you say, Lightwood?" Lawndale asked. "Look like a good enough place to spend the night?"

Alec glanced at him and dryly replied, "Good enough? It rocks."

Lawndale shook his head. "I swear, I could stone you for a joke that bad."

Alec rolled his eyes. "I respect myself too much to respond to that."

Lawndale actually laughed this time. "Fair enough," he agreed. He squeezed sideways into the gap, patting the spot next to him for Alec to sit down. "I'm Ryan, by the way."

Alec felt himself smiling in spite of himself. He didn't know Lawndale-Ryan-was such a nice guy. He also pretended not to notice that Ryan was one of the most attractive guys in the unit. "Alec."

It was quiet for a moment as they surveyed their surroundings. From where they were sitting, they could see where the rest of their unit was sleeping, only about a hundred feet away. They could also see quite a bit of the surrounding area, which made the lookout spot nearly ideal. 

Of course, Alec would have preferred it if his leg wasn't right up against Ryan's, but he wasn't going to think about that. 

Normally on his patrols he would sit in silence with the other guy, both of them occasionally commenting on random things just to keep each other awake. Apparently, Ryan didn't want to do this normally. Alec was surprised he didn't mind as much as he thought he would. 

"So, Alec," Ryan began quietly. "Tell me about yourself."

Alec raised an eyebrow even though he was still facing away from Ryan. "Really?"

"You got a better way to pass the time?"

A smile ghosted across Alec's lips, but he shut that down immediately. He wasn't about to get all fluttery and blushy just because a cute guy was talking to him. A cute, straight guy. "I'm twenty-one. I'm from New York." 

A beat passed, then Ryan breathed out a laugh. "Wow. I feel like I've known you my whole life after that description."

Alec rolled his eyes, but he wasn't annoyed. "I have three siblings."

"Now we're getting somewhere," Ryan whispered. "Are you the oldest?" Alec nodded in the dark. "How many brothers?"

Alec's chest was twisting again, but he ignored it. "Two brothers, one sister. What about you?"

Slowly, Alec became Ryan's friend. It started with small things. He learned Ryan was nineteen and from Massachusetts and had one older brother. He told Ryan about Jace and Izzy and Max. Eventually, it got to be larger things. Alec told him about Max and how he was gay, and he was so nervous that when Ryan just grinned and said, "Cool, I'm asexual," that he let out a startled snort that could have blown their cover if anyone had been around to hear it. He told him about how when he had come out to his family at sixteen, his father immediately began making arrangements with recruiters from the military so Alec could get a "man's job" that could fix him. Ryan talked about his life, too, how his father was physically abusive to his mother and him. His mother had insisted he enlist to get out of the house and let the military put him through school. He had initially refused to leave her alone with him, but she didn't want to leave because she still thought she could change him. Truthfully, Alec didn't mind having someone to keep him company on patrols and talk with him when neither of them could sleep. He learned a lot about Ryan. He was fiercely loyal and braver than anyone Alec knew.

It was his loyalty that did him in. They had just finished raiding another forgotten town. They hadn't found much, so they decided to head back early for the night. They had only been walking across the desert for about an hour when it happened. 

There was a small, metallic sound that caught everyone's attention immediately, followed by a thump as it hit the ground. It rolled into Alec's field of vision in a second, but he didn't need the visual to know it was a grenade. 

All hell broke loose as they all started yelling, Ryan's eyes finding Alec's in the chaos. His face contorted as he screamed at him to run, but Alec couldn't hear him over the rest of the guys. They were all tripping over themselves to get away. Alec stumbled backwards a few feet, but his boot caught on a rock and he fell. As he hit the ground, he realized that he was about to die. There's no way they can escape this explosion, not when they're so close and out in the open. They were sitting ducks. Alec closes his eyes and thinks of Jace and Izzy and Max-

-and he's in so much pain, it's blinding. There's a fire spreading all over the left side of his body, and he knows he's screaming but he can't hear any sound through the ringing in his ears. He feels someone shaking him, and he opens his eyes but he can hardly see through the pain. It's a guy from his unit-Wilson, he remembers-and he's shouting something at him but Alec can't quite make it out. Soon enough he's being picked up and thrown over Wilson's shoulder, although it hurts so bad he starts to see spots. Wilson starts jogging away, and Alec tried to figure out what happened from what he can see. 

There's a man in an enemy uniform lying several feet away, bleeding out through several bullet wounds. Two men from Alec's unit have also been shot. After the bad guy threw the grenade, he probably shot up those two before someone else shot him. There's a puddle of Alec's blood closest to the explosion, and the explosion itself is a circular mess of blood and guts. It looks like someone had thrown themselves onto the grenade to save everyone else in the unit from the explosion. 

Right before his vision goes black, Alec realizes Ryan is missing. 

"Darling?" 

Magnus spoke quietly, but Alec still jumps in surprise. He had forgotten Magnus was with him, and had gotten so caught up in his past that he needed to take a moment to ground himself. 

"He sacrificed himself for the rest of us," Alec says softly. "He was always too selfless for his own good. The grenade... It's how I got the scar on my face. There's more on my side and my leg, but only my family knows about them. That day... it's why I ran out of Java Jones. I can mostly control the PTSD, but that day I wasn't myself. I started thinking about him, and I... I had a panic attack..."

Alec blinks tears from his eyes and looks at Magnus. His makeup was smeared down his face in tear tracks, and he looks so understanding and sad that it breaks the last of Alec's resolve. He starts crying harder, letting his guard down for the first time since he was recruited. He should be embarrassed, but he isn't. He needs this. He needs to let himself forget his pride and his responsibilities and just... feel. He cries for Max and for Ryan and for the man Alec could have been if he'd never been forced to enlist. And Magnus just scoots closer to him on the couch, puts his arms around him in a comforting embrace, and lets him do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little OOC behavior from Alec this chapter, but it was hard for me to write this one (especially since I know next to nothing about Afghanistan). Alec finally told Magnus what's going on though! Next chapter is another filler, but then things get emotional again. Please let me know what you guys think about this one by commenting or find me on Tumblr at ace-alec-89! Until next time!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while since I've posted an update, I completely lost motivation to write because I felt like no one still cared about the story. Anyways, I'm finally posting something new. This one is more of a filler, but there's still plenty of emotions. WARNING: THIS CHAPTER HINTS AT DEPRESSION, SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL! Happy reading!

It's not until Alec's been in Magnus's arms for almost ten minutes when he realizes what he's doing. In a way, he's ashamed. He's always prided himself on his ability to handle his problems himself and not burdening others with them. It's not fair to Magnus to have to deal with all of Alec's emotional baggage, after all. 

Then again, Magnus knew all of it now, and he still hadn't run off. In fact, he'd been understanding and kind, and held Alec when he needed him. Alec tried not to read into that too much. 

He pulled back, wiping at his eyes in embarrassment. "Sorry. I, uh... I didn't mean to unload all that on you."

Magnus rests his hand on his arm. "Its alright, darling. Like I said, I will never judge you. I'll be here for you, no matter what."

Alec smiled at him, and tried not to notice that he could still feel himself shaking. He's glad he has Magnus to help him through this, but it still isn't easy. Right now, he's upset and anxious and honestly just wants to take a ten hour nap. He's too drained to do much else besides sit and wait to spend tomorrow wallowing and reminiscing with his siblings, but he knows he has to. He has things he needs to do. 

He excuses himself from Magnus's apartment as politely as he can manage, with a promise to see him again soon that has his heavy heart suddenly fluttering a bit in his chest. Alec heads back into his apartment for the first time since yesterday morning and immediately feels the urge to start drinking until he can hardly remember his own name. He's on autopilot as he goes to the cupboard, ready to demolish an entire bottle of whiskey and possibly some vodka after that. He tries not to hate himself as he pours the first glass and swallows it all in one go, welcoming the familiar burn it creates as it goes down. 

Honestly, it's no surprise he doesn't remember much when he wakes up. It's seven in the morning and his head is pounding, but mercifully he doesn't throw up. Judging by the taste in his mouth, he probably threw up everything in his stomach last night. 

He's not drunk anymore so of course he's hating himself and mentally apologizing over and over to Max and Ryan and Jace and Izzy for being so weak, but he can fix that. He takes two Aspirin and washes them down with some more alcohol, grimacing a little. Jesus, he hasn't been this bad in so long. At least last year he was still on his meds on Max's anniversary. This year, it's just him and the booze. 

He shakes his head, chastising himself. He needs to get his shit together and sober up, at least for tomorrow. Jace and Izzy think he's still taking his meds, so if he shows up drunk they're going to think he's been drinking on his medication and then everything will go to hell. He takes one last big swig-enough to get him through the rest of the day-and puts the bottle away for now. He'll probably get it out again after getting home from Izzy's tomorrow, but he'll worry about that when it comes. 

God, he hates himself. 

He doesn't do much for the rest of the day. He watches television and texts Magnus to thank him again for letting him stay last night. As he slowly loses his buzz, he calls Izzy to tell her he told Magnus everything, and she's so happy for him that it makes him smile despite how depressed he's been feeling. "That's great, Alec," she says, and he can hear the grin on her face. "I'm so proud of you."

His stomach twists with guilt as he realizes she wouldn't be saying that if she knew how he'd been dealing with his emotions recently, but he thanks her anyways. After confirming he'll be at her place at five, he hangs up. 

He takes a shower and shaves for the first time in two days, and cringes when he sees that it's still only late afternoon. He picks up around his apartment and does the dishes to keep himself occupied, then orders takeout. It would probably be better for his mental health if he went out to get something, but he really doesn't feel like leaving his apartment. As he pays the delivery boy, he can hear his father's voice in his head, yelling at him for eating so poorly and not keeping in shape. Ever since Alec had to come back early from Afghanistan, it's been getting harder and harder to distinguish his father's voice and that of his drill sergeant. He tells himself he'll work out after dinner, but by the time he finishes eating he doesn't want to move. He lays on the couch for a while and stares at his laptop, contemplating what he would write for his article next week. Maybe he should write about depression. He can see the title now: "I was too depressed to move so I didn't write anything this week, by Alec Lightwood." His boss would love that. 

Finally, Alec forces himself to get up and go to bed. He manages to brush his teeth tonight before falling into bed, although he didn't fall asleep for another hour. He couldn't stop thinking about tomorrow, about how it will be five years since his baby brother died. Five fucking years. 

He desperately wishes for more alcohol until he's unconscious and finally stops thinking for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a hard one for me to write emotionally, so I would really appreciate feedback on this.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I just wanted to say sorry for being so dramatic last week. I've been depressed recently and had no motivation to write, but I fully plan on finishing this story. Thank you all for your kind comments, they really do make my day and inspire me to keep writing. I ended up having to split this chapter up because it was so long, but I promise things will get more interesting next chapter. WARNING: things are still pretty depressing this chapter, so be careful if that triggers you! Happy reading!

After he finishes screaming away his most recent nightmare, Alec throws his covers off angrily. He's not sure how he woke up pissed off, but it doesn't stop him from throwing on a pair of joggers and a black tank top. He grabs what he needs and leaves, not bothering to do anything else first. 

If the guy at the gym is surprised to see him there before seven a.m., he doesn't say anything. Maybe it's because Alec is so mad that he's positive he looks like he's ready to kill someone, but he's not complaining if it means everyone leaves him alone. Alec marches straight to the punching bag and begins beating it to a pulp, not bothering to tape his knuckles first. 

The bag thuds as he drills into it with his fists. This is his least favorite day of the entire year. He still hasn't forgiven himself for almost forgetting about today, even though he knows he had a viable reason. In the five years Max has been gone, even when he was in the middle of a war zone in Afghanistan, he'd always known when it was coming up. 

And last night, what was his deal? He shouldn't have had to drink himself into oblivion over the past few days. He's a grown man who should be able to fucking handle himself, so why can't he function without drinking until he can't think?

He's hitting the bag harder now, scowling as his skin is torn open. His body is starting to burn, but he grits his teeth and keeps going. He's faced worse pain than this. He's sweating and he feels hot, but he's so angry with everything that the rage rising in his chest is all he can focus on. He's mad at the world for taking Max and mad at the doctors for not saving him and he's furious with himself for not being able to fucking cope-

-"Whoa, dude, you okay?" Someone behind him asks. Alec sees the same guy who was sitting at the entrance when he came in, looking both hesitant and mildly horrified. Alec follows his eyes to the bag he was just beating up, and is a bit startled to see his own blood smeared across the black leather. 

Perfect. This is just perfect. Alec glanced back to the guy, who is still staring at him cautiously, like he's about to blow up at any moment. For all they know, Alec really is about to explode. 

Alec wipes his knuckles across his shirt, cringing as the tattered skin catches on the fabric. "Sorry," he mutters, grabbing his bag and leaving without another word. His heart is still trying to beat out of his chest, and the few people out on the street stare at him and his bloodstained shirt for a moment before their eyes flicker away. It's one of the reasons Alec loves New York. Everyone is so used to seeing weird shit that nothing he can do will really faze anyone. 

But Christ, he really is a mess. He needs to pull himself together before he sees his siblings tonight. Even though everyone in the city is accustomed to strange sights by now, Alec knows he shouldn't be one of them. If his siblings could see him now, they'd probably drag his ass straight to therapy without another word. 

He fumbles with his key a bit as he opens the door to his apartment, but he manages to get it on the third try. He drops his bag in his room and heads straight for his bathroom. Now that his anger has mostly faded, he's just tired. He made a mess of his hands, and he has no idea how he's going to explain this to Jace and Izzy later. He places his hand over the sink and pours hydrogen peroxide over it, hissing as it bubbles and starts to sting. When his first hand is mostly disinfected he switches to the other one. He won't bandage them now because he still has to shower and he doesn't want the bandages to get ruined. He grabs clean clothes from his room and goes to grab a glass of water from the kitchen when something in the cupboard catches his eye. 

He stares at the bottles of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds for a long time. He hates them, hates the side effects they come with, hates that he has to depend on them. That's the thing he hates most about taking them. When he feels okay again and tries to get off of them, it's always harder than the last time. He hates them. 

He glances at his hands. They've stopped bleeding, but the damage is still very visible. 

He hates his meds, but he can't get through today without them. He takes one from each bottle and washes them down with water before hopping in the shower. 

By the time he gets out, he feels a little better. His thoughts have calmed down a bit and his apartment is still horribly empty, but it's a little more bearable. He doesn't feel as suffocated as he did before. 

He still has a few hours before he has to go to Izzy's and he isn't sure what to do. He wants to get some work done, but realistically he knows he won't be able to write anything at all today. He cleaned yesterday, so there isn't much to keep him occupied. He settles for watching TV. He doesn't do it often because it makes him feel lazy, but it's the right combination of mindless and distracting that he needs to pass the time. He chooses to watch a sitcom, actively trying to get lost in the characters and plot in an effort to make time move quicker. It's not a bad show. It's funny enough to make him quirk his lips every now and then, but realistic enough to have a semi-interesting plot. 

Before Alec knows it, he needs to get ready to leave. He gives himself a once-over in the mirror. His hair is a little messy, but not too bad. His clothes look nice enough. The only thing about him that looks a little worse for the wear is his face. He looks tired, but if anyone asks he can pass it off by saying he couldn't stop thinking about Max all night. He's almost starting to forget that he's spent the past two days drinking himself to the brink of insanity. 

Almost. 

He quickly grabs what he needs and leaves, desperate to desert the emptiness of his apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter should be up soon! Watch out for an update and please leave feedback if you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Thank you so much for the feedback. Your comments really motivate me to keep up with this story and are seriously the best part of writing for me, so I really appreciate it! Here's another chapter with plenty of emotions! Happy reading!

As Alec approaches Izzy's apartment, he doesn't raise his hand to knock. The meds from earlier have allowed his head to clear, but he feels emotionally drained. He knows he wouldn't have made it this far without the antidepressants, and if it weren't for the anti-anxiety drugs he'd be pacing and trembling like a leaf. He owes a lot to the drugs, but he feels so calm it isn't right. He tries to feel less guilty, reminds himself that he's not actually apathetic about this, but it still takes him a while to collect himself before he knocks. He needs to put on a brave face for his siblings. He needs to support them today. 

The door opens, and Alec is suddenly face to face with his baby sister. She manages a small smile and goes to envelop him in a bone crushing hug, but he can tell she's moving a little slower than she normally would. She's probably trying to be extra careful with him, knowing that today has always been hard for him and any little thing could set him off. He tries to hate himself for making his younger sister think he's fragile, but he doesn't have the energy to hate himself today. He squeezes her back tightly, trying to convey his gratitude without words. If the way tightens her hold on him is any indication, she understands him perfectly. Izzy always understands everything. 

When they finally pull apart, Alec clears his throat. "How are you?"

Izzy gives him a tight smile. "I've been keeping busy," she says in lieu of a real answer, but he knows what she means anyways. "You should come in. Jace might eat everything if you don't-" Her eyes widen as she suddenly notices the white bandages wrapped around his knuckles. "Alexander Gideon Lightwood," she says slowly, but there's something harsh in her voice that makes Alec recoil a bit. "What the hell did you do to your hands?"

Alec winces and gives a quick glance around the hallway outside Isabelle's door. He doesn't want to have to explain it out here, so he instead asks, "Uh... can I come inside?"

Izzy's expression is still dark, but her face softens. She steps aside to let him get by without saying another word, but he knows he still has some explaining to do. 

He gives her a small smile and enters, toeing off his shoes at the door. Jace is already stuffing his face with orange chicken and dumplings, and Izzy grabs her plate from where it was on the kitchen counter before joining him. They all handle their grief differently. Jace prefers to eat and drink as much food and alcohol as possible. Izzy never eats much when she's upset, but she gives Jace a run for his money when it comes to alcohol. Alec also doesn't eat much and prefers to get blackout drunk, but he never does that around his siblings. Especially now that he's actually taking his meds, he won't touch a drop of alcohol tonight. As tempting as it is to let himself go, his first job is to look out for Izzy and Jace. Even though he isn't hungry, he grabs some rice and chicken and joins his siblings in the living room. 

"Is anyone drunk yet?" Alec asks in a pitiful attempt to lighten the mood a bit. 

Izzy and Jace share a look. "Well..." Izzy started, "we know you can't drink because of your meds, so we didn't want to get wasted in front of you if you can't join in. Jace had a drink before you got here, but we won't have anything more if you don't want us to."

Alec feels a pang of guilt, for not telling his siblings he hasn't been taking his medication and for being so weak that they feel like they have to restrain themselves for his sake. He's exhaling before he realizes it, opening up to them before he makes a conscious decision to say anything. "Actually..." He starts, bringing his hand up to the back of his head. "I need to tell you guys something, but you're going to be upset."

Izzy and Jace both straightened up a little, giving him their undivided attention. "What is it?" Jace asked cautiously, eyeing Alec's bandages. 

Alec dropped his hand, bringing it down to clasp them together tightly. He forces himself to look them in the eyes as he admits his secret to them, telling himself he has to own up to what he's been doing. "I... I haven't been taking my meds recently."

"Alec," Izzy begins scolding him, but Alec cuts her off. 

"I know, Izzy. I'm sorry. I just... I hate how dependent I get on them, and every time I try to stop taking them it gets harder. I figured I could try to quit them, so about a month before I moved I stopped taking both of them. Then with Max's anniversary coming up and telling Magnus about Ryan, I couldn't handle myself anymore. I just... I've spent the past two days drunk, and when I finally sobered up I ended up at the gym splitting my knuckles open. I didn't even realize I was doing it at the time. That's when I realized I really needed help. I started taking them again this morning."

There are tears in Izzy's eyes, and Jace looks more heartbroken than Alec has seen him in a long time. "Bro, why didn't you tell us sooner?" Jace asked hoarsely. 

Alec sighed. "I didn't want anyone to worry. I thought I could handle it and I couldn't. I'm sorry." 

"Hermano," Izzy begins cautiously, looking older than Alec has ever seen her, "I know you don't want to hear it, but I really think you could benefit from therapy." 

Alec sighs. "You're right. I don't want to hear that."

"Just give it a chance, Alec," Jace pleads, and Alec finally realizes just how badly he's fucked up. If Jace is begging for something, it must be really important to him. "There's no shame in going. I'll go with you if you want, just... please. Think about it. We're worried about you."

Alec clears his throat, trying to hide how choked up and embarrassed he is right now. He knows his siblings are right, and he can't help but feel like he's letting them down yet again by avoiding all forms of aid. "I'll get help," he promises them, and he genuinely means it. However, all this talk about himself is making him uncomfortable, especially on Max's day, so he changes the subject back. "So, yeah. I've done my share of drinking, and I'm done with it for a while. You guys can go ahead though. I have antidepressants to help me out."

And Alec really has to hand it to them, they make it nearly two hours before they both crack and start drinking. He's more than a little jealous of them, but he keeps up his charade. By now he's mastered the art of acting normal, even when he knows he's about to lose it.

"Wh-what ab-out th' time when we-" Izzy starts giggling, unable to finish her thought through all her hiccuping. "-we told Max th-that when he turned ten, his... his nose'd fall off!"

At the memory, Jace and Izzy totally lose their composure, laughing so hard Alec worries for a moment that they're forgetting to breathe. Alec himself starts laughing, remembering the day as well. They had all been eating lunch together, but it had been Jace who had started the conversation. Alec and Izzy had joined in once they realized where he was going with the prank. "Remember how we convinced him he'd have to grow it back, too?" Alec said, which caused his siblings and him to further dissolve into laughter. 

Jace stops giggling first. "I can't believe he... He believed us." His speech is slurred, but he isn't hiccuping like Izzy is. "I wonder if he still would have if..."

He doesn't finish his sentence, but the other Lightwoods know what he wanted to say. "If he had made it to ten," Alec finishes quietly, and suddenly it's getting harder to breathe. He feels like there's a huge weight on him whenever he thinks about Max, and it's certainly no different now that he's medicated. He doesn't think it'll ever go away. 

Their faces become grave, all traces of their previous giddiness gone. They've passed the nostalgic portion of the evening, and the atmosphere becomes somber. They can't really deny why they're here any longer. "I miss him," Jace finally says. "I thought it would get easier with time, but..."

Alec tries to think of something to say to that, but his brain is blank. He wants to comfort them, but he knows that nothing he says will make it better. Nothing can ever really make the pain go away. 

"Do you think..." Izzy stops, suddenly looking very sober. She tries again. "Do you think he's okay? I don't know, do you think he's somewhere... happy?"

Alec grimaces involuntarily. None of the Lightwoods are particularly religious, but he really hopes that Max is in a better place. He knows it's cliché, but he'd rather imagine his baby brother finally healthy and looking over them as some sort of angel than in an eternal state of oblivion. Alec has to clear his throat before he can respond. "Yeah, Iz," he says, surprised at the steadiness in his voice. "I think Max is doing just fine. As a matter of fact, he's probably watching over us right now, laughing at our sorry asses."

Jace cracks a smile and Izzy even lets out a surprised laugh, but her laughter soon turns to tears, her breaths becoming sobs. Jace puts his arm around her, and Alec fights his own tears as he gets up and engulfs both of them in a tight hug. He actually manages to not cry for a few minutes, but he can feel Jace's body taking these shuddering gasps and how Izzy's tears are slowly soaking into his shirt and can't hold back any longer. He lets the tears stain his face as he holds his siblings and tries not to think about how there should be one more of them here. 

After they've all cried themselves out, Alec helps his impaired siblings to bed. He takes Jace's beer from him and lays him down on the couch before leading Izzy to the bathroom. He tries in vain to get most of her makeup off, but with her nearly falling asleep on him he can only successfully remove about three quarters of it. Deciding she'll just have to forgive him for missing some of it, he drags her to her room. She's asleep before the blanket settles on top of her. 

Jace is snoring loudly by the time Alec finishes putting Izzy to bed. Alec dumps what's left of Jace's beer and Izzy's wine down the sink before grabbing two spare blankets from the closet. He drapes one over Jace and settles on the floor in the living room, haphazardly covering himself with the other. He's exhausted physically and mentally, but it still takes him a while to fall asleep. He can't stop thinking of Max, how Alec should have done something to save him. He's sorry, sorry for Max and for himself and for not being there for his family all those years ago when they were mourning. He mentally apologizes to Max, begging for forgiveness and praying he's doing okay until he falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, I'm really struggling with the next chapter but I'll try to get it up as soon as I can! Thanks for reading and until next time!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, here's an update for ya! Happy reading!

When Alec slips out of Izzy's apartment the next morning before Jace or Izzy has woken up, he has a game plan. He feels a little stupid for it, but while he was making coffee and leaving out Aspirin for his hungover siblings he gave himself a mini pep talk. He knows he misses Max, but he has to stop using that as an excuse to live in the past. If Max or even Ryan were here, he knows they'd want him to have the life he's always wanted. Alec needs to get his ass in gear and move on with his life. He's going to make himself happy, dammit, or he's going to die trying. 

The first thing on his to-do list is to throw away all the alcohol is his apartment. A part of him wants to keep it around, just in case Magnus comes around for a glass of wine or something, but he knows if he doesn't get rid of it then he'll end up drinking it. He can't risk another lapse. He'll get it right this time. 

Second, he needs to find a therapist. He had one when he first came back from Afghanistan because he thought it would help, but he eventually got impatient and stopped going. He still wants to deny the fact that he even needs help, but he tells himself he's going to try again anyways. He needs to get his life under control. 

Finally, Alec is going to ask out Magnus. He's throwing away the alcohol and going to therapy because he needs to in order to get better, but he's asking out Magnus because he wants to. Alec has spent years hiding his true feelings, fighting against the attraction he knew he shouldn't feel. He's done with that now. He's not going to be ashamed of what he wants anymore. 

He searches on his phone for therapists in the area, focusing on those who specialize in PTSD. He manages to write down a few names and numbers while he dumps his booze, and forces himself to call the first name on his list. 

A young woman's voice comes through the phone, bright and cheery. "Lydia Branwell's office, how may I help you?"

Alec clenches his hand around the beer bottle in his hand as he clears his throat. "Hi, my name is Alexander Lightwood. I was hoping I could make an appointment?"

He hears clicking in the background as the girl keeps talking. "Of course. When would you like to come in?"

He throws out the empty containers, going back to grab more to toss. "As soon as possible." 

There's the sound of typing on the other end, but she makes no mention of the obvious desperation in his voice. "We actually have a time slot open on Monday at 11 a.m. if you're available."

What? "Really?" He asks, a bit shocked at the lack of a wait list. "Monday as in the day after tomorrow?"

"Yes, sir," the receptionist responds. "Ms. Branwell always tries to keep an open appointment in case of emergencies."

Alec sputters a bit, but agrees. "Yeah. Uh, yeah Monday is great. Thanks a lot." He hangs up after the receptionist writes him in for the appointment and tosses the last of the alcohol in the trash. He takes a deep breath. So far his plan has been a success, but he hasn't completed the hard part yet. He still needs to talk to Magnus. 

He texts Magnus to see what he's doing tonight, and within a few minutes Magnus has told him he's free. Alec doesn't try to hide his grin as a plan takes form in his mind. He only tells Magnus to dress nice and to be ready at seven. 

Butterflies are filling Alec's insides, making him feel nearly giddy with excitement. He feels bad for not telling Magnus what they're doing, but he has a feeling Magnus is going to like it. 

Alec has a little trouble keeping himself busy all day, but it's all worth it once seven o'clock rolls around. He runs his hand through his hair, giving a half assed attempt to tame it as he checks himself out in the mirror. He'd put on black skinny jeans and a gray button up. If the shirt just so happened to tighten across his chest and show off his biceps, it would be purely coincidental. Alec isn't normally a very confident person, but he knows he looks good and he feels even better than he looks. Tonight, he's going to blow Magnus away. 

He knocks on his neighbor's door and straightens his shirt collar a bit, but no matter how much he'd mentally planned for tonight he's still amazed at the sight of Magnus. His pants and jacket are black, and the royal blue shirt he has on underneath has so many buckles and complicated knots keeping it closed that Alec can't even begin to figure it out. There's his usual eyeliner in place, but it shimmers with something that looks dark blue when it catches the light. His hair is spiked up into a little coif, and he looks so fantastically sexy that Alec feels his breath catch in his throat. He doesn't think he'll ever get tired of Magnus making him forget how to breathe. 

"Alexander," Magnus practically purrs. "You look positively delightful."

Alec knows he's blushing, but he doesn't look away from Magnus. "Uh, thanks. Thank you. You look amazing."

It's less than special, the way he tries to communicate just how good Magnus looks right now, but the other man grins at him like Alec just wrote him a soliloquy. "Thank you, darling," he says. "Now, what's the big secret? Where are we going?"

Alec smiles, offering his arm to Magnus. "My lips are sealed. You have to come with me to see."

Magnus rolls his eyes, but Alec can tell his interest is piqued. He grabs Alec's arm and locks his door behind him as he follows Alec out into the city. Alec tries his best to keep Magnus distracted as they walk to their first destination with stories from when he was a child, and Magnus starts to share some of his own. By the time they reach the restaurant, they're both laughing at each other so hard they need to take a minute to collect themselves. 

Magnus gasps, his grip on Alec's arm tightening. "Alexander, you can't be serious," he says as he realizes where they're eating. "Idris? This is, like, the fanciest restaurant in the city."

Alec shrugs, his cheeks turning pink. "I've heard good things about it," he mumbles, not wanting to admit that he had only heard about it that morning while Googling romantic restaurants in New York. He's sure Magnus can see right through him, but he drags him in anyways. He gives the woman at the entrance the name of their reservation, and Alec is more than pleased at the impressed look on Magnus's face as she leads them to their table. The restaurant is classy enough to make Alec feel out of place, but with Magnus by his side he can hardly concentrate on anything else. 

Alec ends up having to order water to drink because the only other options he can see involve alcohol, and he's positive that he completely butchered the pronunciation of the pasta and seafood dish he'd ordered, but it's worth it. It makes Magnus look at him with such undisguised adoration that it sets his heart racing. 

Their meal flies by, and soon enough Alec is gently pulling Magnus by the hand through Central Park. The sun is just starting to set, casting purple and orange shadows across everything in sight. Magnus is smiling softly beside him as they walk together, shoulders occasionally bumping each other playfully. They've kind of stopped talking for a while, just soaking in each other's presence when they decide to sit down on a nearby bench. 

"I'm not complaining," Magnus starts, "but what brought this on?"

Alec tries to joke with him a little to delay killing the mood. "You mean I can't just plan out the most cliché date ever to try and impress my hot neighbor?"

Magnus presses his lips together to hide a smile. "I suppose it has been rather cliché, but I'm serious. What's up?"

Alec rests their intertwined hands on his leg as he struggles to explain himself. "Well... You know how Max's anniversary was yesterday? My siblings and I normally get super drunk, but I..." Alec takes a moment to breathe. "I've been on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication since I got back from Afghanistan, but I stopped taking them. I know it was a stupid thing to do, but I tried to fix my own problems without having to depend on them. Turns out, without them I just hurt myself at the gym and get blackout drunk." He lets out a bitter laugh. "So, yeah. I realized I need to get my life together. I've been living in the past for so long, I wasn't concentrating on myself. I know that I need to take better care of myself now. I'm not drinking anymore, and I set up an appointment with a therapist." Now that he's talking, Alec doesn't think he'll ever stop. He's kept everything inside for far too long to stop now. "I also want to try to focus on my own happiness more. I'm going to go after what I want, no matter how hard it is to get it. Magnus, I know I'm not the best with words, but here goes nothing. I'm a broken man. I suck at communicating and I'm probably the most confused person you've ever met, but you make me want to be better. I feel safe around you, and you make me feel like I'm worth more than just a diagnosis or a lost cause. I don't know if I'll ever really be okay, but you make me believe that it's possible." 

Alec's heart is pounding. His blood is rushing in his ears and he's sure he's never said this much in his life, but it's all true. He needs Magnus to know how much he means to him. "It's fine if you don't feel the same way, but if I'm going to have a shot at true happiness I have to at least try. Magnus Bane, will you be my boyfriend?"

Magnus looks stunned, and for once he looks like he has no idea what to say. Alec tries to read his expression, but he's so nervous that he feels like he's watching from an outsider's perspective. He's thought a lot about how Magnus would react and how he would handle rejection, but he absolutely did not think Magnus would start kissing him. 

Alec's brain short circuits as soon as Magnus's lips connect with his, but he quickly recovers and kisses him back with the same amount of passion. He feels like he's floating and he wants to stay like that forever, but they eventually need to pull back for air.

Alec is breathing hard, but he shoots Magnus a shy grin. "So... is that a yes?"

Magnus rolls his eyes and giggles, making Alec's heart stutter in his chest. "Of course I will, Alexander," he says, pulling him in for another kiss. This one is significantly shorter, but no less incredible as Magnus teasingly pulls away and adds, "On one condition."

Alec licks his lips, trying to compose himself. "Name it."

Magnus grins. "Promise me you'll never be this cliché again."

Alec laughs at the demand. "But look where we ended up. Cliché works." Magnus shoots him a fake glare. "Fine," Alec sighs in resignation, although he feels ridiculously happy on the inside. "I guess I got what I wanted already."

He shoots Magnus a sly grin at the cliché he slipped in, who just rolls his eyes and settles against Alec's shoulder. He knows Magnus won't admit it, but he thinks he really surprised him tonight. Alec knows he chose the most expensive restaurant in town and took his date on a sunset walk through the park, but none of that is what actually mattered. What made tonight so special was Magnus's enchanting stories and Alec's failed, awkward attempts at being suave. He tried his hardest to impress Magnus, but he won him over just by being himself. It's freeing, in a way. Alec always puts up a false front, a brave face so no one can tell how he's truly feeling. Now that he's let his walls down for Magnus, he wants to be able to stay this way forever. He can't remember the last time he felt this good. 

Alec knows he's got a long way to go, but he's ready to start healing. With Magnus by his side, he feels invincible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure I like how this chapter turned out, but at least Malec is finally official! There are only a few chapters left of this story, so the end is in sight! Please leave kudos or a comment if you liked it and see you next time!

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't really sure how I wanted to end this chapter, so sorry if it's cliché. Please let me know what you guys think by leaving kudos or a comment!


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